APRIL FOOLS DAY EDITION: PRANK WENT WRONG
April Fools'
Day or All
Fools' Day is an
annual custom on April 1st consisting of practical
jokes and hoaxes. Jokesters often expose their actions by shouting "April Fool!"
at the recipient. Mass media can be involved with these pranks, which may be revealed
as such afterwards. The custom of setting aside a day for playing harmless
pranks upon one's neighbour has been relatively common in the world
historically.
Caution must however be applied in playing pranks. The mood
or mindset of the recipient must be considered as well as the severity of the
prank.
In some situations, the prank went wrong and difficult
situations have arisen.
I read the story of a man who almost ruined his marriage all
in the name of a prank.
This is his story:
PRANK WENT WRONG
One way of spicing up our relationship is by playing at
least once in a week.
My wife loves rough play. Since I was often at the receiving
end with so much pain, I decided to take the play to another level by pranking
my wife.
So on Sunday evening, my wife was using my phone to watch
movie.
There is this old Sim card I have not been using, but I do
recharge it once in a while to keep it valid.
I picked the SIM card and my small phone.
"Babe, let me use the toilet. I'll be back. No finish
my battery ooo," I told her.
In the toilet, I slot in the Sim card and wrote the
following message: "Honey! Dis pregnancy is becoming obvious. People are
beginning to suspect it. Pls come and do small thing from the list you
collected so I can go out anytime I want without fear of getting stigmatized
that I got pregnant out of wedlock. My gas has finished, pls come and refill it
for me tomorrow. We love you."
I then sent the message to my phone that my wife was using.
Few minutes later, I came out from the toilet fully prepared
with the lines I was going to use in responding to any form of attack from my
wife - be it verbal or physical.
But to my greatest surprise, so unlike her, my wife did not
react. Not even from her facial expression.
I tried to get words from her, but she was very calm.
"You know I love you so much and no one will ever get
in between us," I teased her.
"I know. I love you too. Thanks for staying true to our
marital vows," she responded with a hug.
E shock me!
'Maybe the message didn't enter, or it entered but she
didn't see,' I thought.
To satisfy my doubt, I decided to check the phone.
"Are you done with the phone? I want to make a
call," I said.
"I'm not done, but you can have it. Let me bring food
from the kitchen, before I'm back, you should be done. The movie is very
interesting." She handed me the phone.
I quickly ran to the message app and discovered that the
message was read.
'Then why did she not react?' I wondered. A moment later,
she brought the food with smiles all over her face. "Darling! Dinner is
served."
I was afraid to eat because we had rat poison in the house.
'What if the food is poisoned? No! You must not eat,' I assured myself.
"Babe. I'm having stomach ache. My stool is watery. I
don't think I will be able to take anything."
"Eyaaaaaah! So in that case I am permitted to eat your
meat, right?"
"Yes dear! Go ahead please." My goat meat and
white soup. Chai! E really pain me.
I watched as she did justice to the food but did not die.
Maybe she took antidote, but I refused to be tempted to join her. I kept
waiting for her to ask me about the message so that the aim of the prank could
be achieved, but she did not. I became afraid of my own shadow, but as a man, I
carried on as if nothing was wrong.
For days, my wife did not mention the issue, neither did she
act otherwise.
I was avoiding eating with her. Instead, I preferred eating
with my son.
So the next morning, she showed me the dress she bought for
her mother and told me she had to deliver the dress in person. She left for the
village thiat morning with my son.
In the afternoon, I got a call from my father in-law asking
me to come to the house.
I did not know what the problem was, because my wife was
still very friendly even on the phone.
So the following afternoon, I honored my father in-law's call.
I got there in the company of my friend - Stephen. Stephen
had been a very good family friend.
After telling him all that transpired, he could not hold
himself from laughing out loud.
We got to my wife's place, but the regular rousing welcome
was reduced. I handed my father in-law the drink we bought for him, but he
asked me to drop it on the table instead.
"Grandpa is not happy with you," my son tipped me.
I smiled sheepishly.
"The boy is right. My kinsmen will soon be here, please
exercise patience," my father in-law assured.
I turned to Stephen and we made eye contact.
"Sir," I began, "I am lost here. Is there
something I have done? I think we can sort it out as a family before inviting
your kinsmen. After all, you once told me that a secret of the household must
first be made known to the head of the house'. Can we talk about this
please?"
My father in-law was about to respond when the first chief
entered.
Within 5 minutes, about 13 of his kinsmen arrived.
"Our in-law! Our in-law! Our in-law", they greeted
me one after the other. Their houses are not far from my wife's place, Same
street, but extended compounds.
Before I could fathom what was going on, the meeting had
begun, and after the normal traditional greetings, my wife was called in.
"Our in-law!"
began one of the elders. "Our daughter here, who is also your wife,
brought a report to us yesterday. It is not a very good report. It is a bad
report. I will like us to hear from the horse' mouth. Our daughter, please tell
your fathers and your husband here what you told us yesterday."
"My fathers I greet ooo!" my wife began.
"Last week Sunday, evening, I was using my husband's phone to watch film.
While I was watching, a message came into the phone from a strange number. I
read the message and I was heartbroken. The message came from a woman. The
woman is pregnant for my husband. And to ground it all, my husband has already
gone for her introduction. He has collected the list and has done one or two
things from the list. It is just a matter of time before he sends me parking
back to my father's house."
"Okokobioko!", one of the elders exclaimed.
"So instead of being sent parking, I decided to come
back on my own. Nobody will disgrace me. That is why I said you people should
call him to come and take back the bride price."
"You are the true daughter of Asimba family," one
of the elders praised her. "The daughter of a lion. No son or daughter of
Asimba family has ever been disgraced. Is there any?"
"No oooo!" all of them echoed.
"My in-laws", I stood up to defend myself.
"Sssshhhhhhhhh", another chief shut me down.
"You will have the floor. Don't rush. Asimba family members are not
interrupted while talking in a gathering like this. If you do it again, you
will be fined heavily as the custom demands. Asimba, have I spoken well?"
"Yes ooo! You have spoken well."
I sat down shocked and surprised.
"Our daughter," the first elder continued,
"You said bride price should be returned. Please remove the trumpet and
speak plainly. Are you no longer interested in your marriage to this young
man?"
"I am not interested anymore. Let him take the bride
price and go to his new pregnant wife," my wife responded. "Very well then. We have heard from the
horse's mouth. Our daughter is no longer interested in the marriage. She wants
the bride price returned because her husband has another wife somewhere and she
doesn't want to have a co-wife. As tradition demands, our in-law must bring his
people. I called him our in-law because he is still our in-law for now. Our in-law
will bring his people because he did not come alone to pay the bride price.
People accompanied him; his parents and other family members. So he must bring
his parents back here so that we can make a refund of the bride price, then we
can talk about how to take care of the son. Asimba have I spoken well?"
"Yes oooo! You have spoken well," they all echoed
again.
I raised up my hand so I could be given the chance to speak.
An elder, who happened to be their family head, stood up and
began: "Our in-law, keep down your hand, you will speak when it is time.
That you are not speaking for now is because we have all seen what your new
wife sent to you. Your wife is a very smart woman. She took photo of the thing
and brought it here. We have seen and have believed, unless you will show us
that your wife is lying. As the family head of Asimba family, this is my
decision: You will go and bring your people here tomorrow or any day that
favors you. Let us know when you are coming. It is only then you will defend yourself
in the presence of your people and your in-laws. You cannot sit here and
address us all just like that. This matter is bigger than you. However, I am
not in support of returning of bride price. We will see if there is a way we
can save this marriage. That will be all for now."
As soon as he finished speaking, the meeting was dismissed.
Meanwhile, I have reported the whole thing to my people.
We would return there the following day.
My mata don tie gele.
Who even send me sef. Now my wife no pick my calls again.
To start with, my people were not happy with the situation.
Some of them scolded me for playing such an expensive prank on my wife. Some
were angry with my wife for taking the matter to her people without first
confronting me. Some were neutral, while some laughed over it.
At last, we made it to my wife's place.
Messages were sent across and within few minutes, my in-laws
were complete.
The meeting began.
One of them stood up to address us. "Our in-laws,
you're welcome to our house. Your house of course, because the day you married
our daughter, we became one..."
"We are not one", one of the elders interrupted
with so much anger in him. "We can never be one. They are our slaves. When
our fathers fought the tribal war, we conquered them and made them work for us
as slaves. That we gave them our daughter in marriage does not make our houses
their houses. Chief Okor, sit down if you don't know what to say. A slave and
the master can never share the same table. They are slaves, place them where
they belong."
That did not go down well with my people. There is a man in our family whose name is
Cheif Afai (Violence). He is in his 80s but very agile. True to his name, he is
known for his violent attitude.
He jumped up from his seat and angrily refuted the man's
claim. "Eesssssh! Shut up. Stop
that nonsense. Is this why you sent for us? What gave you the right to talk
when men are talking. Are you a man? What makes you a man? Do you think any man
will ever come under your roof to marry your daughter? Impotent like you. I
have given out 15 daughters in marriage. 15 of my own daughters produced from
this my penis. Can you point your finger to a child of yours? Do you even have
one? What makes you a master and me a slave when you can't boast of a single
child of your own? You are here crying more than the bereaved. Don't force
words from my mouth. Ah! Ah! Instead of listening to your in-law’s side of the
story, you summoned us here to spit on our faces by calling us slaves. Can't
husband and wife play in their respective homes? If you had cultured your
daughter so well, she would have known that a man can marry as many wives as he
wants. I have 6 wives and 26 children and none of my wives has disgraced me
like this. This is nonsense. Chai! Chief Afai Akpan Udo Ekpo Anan Udo Isong
Umoren, you have really been disgraced."
See casting on top my small prank.
"Chief Afai, please calm down. Sit down please. We
didn't come here for war," one of my kinsmen adviced.
"Don't you tell me to sit down. If it is war they want,
I will give it to them. A barren woman should not speak about someone's child
in the council of men who own many children. He should withdraw the statement
and apologize for calling us slaves."
The pandemonium lingered until that man was prevailed on to
withdraw the statement. He did and also apologized for calling us slaves.
No be small matter ooo.
Finally, peace was restored and the meeting continued.
"Like I said earlier," Chief Okor continued,
"we are one. Our house is your house. Our daughter is your daughter and
your son is our son too. We sent for you because our daughter brought a report
to us concerning your son. According to her, your son has acquired a marriage
list from another family, and the woman in question is pregnant for your son.
So our daughter returned home and told us she will no longer marry your son
because she does not want to have a co-wife. She said we should refund her
bride price, that is why we sent for
you. My people, have I spoken well?"
"Yes! You have spoken well," my wife's kinsmen
echoed.
"Our in-laws," Chief Afai continued, "I won't
be afraid to say that you all did wrong for not allowing our son to say
something when you sent for him yesterday. You should have listened to him
first. If you had done that, I tell you there would have been no need gathering
here today. This is uncalled for, as far as I'm concern. My son will speak for
himself, and after that, we will know what to do."
I stood up and painstakingly explained what really happened.
I showed them the Sim and the message I sent. I explained to them that I was
pranking my wife, that I was waiting for her to ask me about the message, but
instead of asking me, she decided to go home and report to them.
Convinced by my explanation, my wife and her people were
very surprised and ashamed.
"Oh my God!" my father in-law exclaimed.
"Children of nowadays will not kill us. What a wasted effort!"
"That was why I said you people should have listened to
the young man in the first place. If you had done that, we wouldn't be here.
However, now that we are here, what should be done should be done," Chief
Afai submitted.
After few people had spoken, my wife was called to confirm
if she was still interested in the union.
"My fathers," she began, "my in-laws, I know
you all are angry with me right now. You are right to be angry. However, before
I'm castigated, just know that no woman can stand the sight of knowing that her
husband had collected a marriage list from another family whose daughter is
already pregnant. I did what I thought was right. I allowed emotions got a
better part of me. Now I have seen I should have confronted my husband before
coming here. For that, I am deeply sorry. If there is any way I can undo this
deed, I will. As for my husband, I never stopped loving him even for one
second. He is still my husband and I am still his wife. Once again, I am deeply
sorry."
Everyone turned to me as if they wanted to hear me say I was
no longer interested in the marriage.
Who sai!
"Fathers, to be honest, I didn't bargain for this. I
didn't want it to end this way. It was just a husband and wife play. I had no
idea what my wife was planning to do. I'm very sorry for the stress this has
caused you. Permit me here to take my wife back, I am grateful. My in laws, I'm
sorry for stressing you. I promise you, something of this nature will never
happen again. I love my wife and will never plan of taking another wife. Thank
you for your understanding...."
"Ehhhmmmm! Young man sit down," Chief Afai
interrupted me. "We didn't accompany you to come and take your wife home.
We honored the summon our in-laws gave us over the stupid and insensitive
behavior you and your wife displayed. In our days, that is when we were young,
there was nothing like pranks. If you ever want to marry another wife, be a man
and talk to your wife, not cutting through the corners. You are the head of the
house. You children of nowadays, you carry this church issue on your head, you
don't want to marry many wives because your Bible forbids it. That is why I
like my tradition. And I keep telling people to come and practice this
tradition that our forefathers practiced. It will make you live long. Look at
me, over 80 and still strong. Who amongst us here is up to 80? Anyone? No, you
want to go to church. That is why, if anybody wants peace with me, I give the
person peace. If the person wants war, I give him war both physically and spiritually."
He paused, stared at the man that called us slaves and
continued.
"Well, I don't want to talk much so that I won't get
angry. For bringing us here over a nonsense prank, you both have a fine to pay
as tradition demands. Since it started here, we will respect our father in-law
by returning to this same place next week Friday to end it. Both you and your
wife will join hands together and bring the following items: 5 tubers of yam, 1
bottle of Kai Kai, 1 bottle of assorted hot drink, 10 litters of palm wine, 1
carton of bear, 1 bottle of snuff, 1 pod of cola, 1 big she-goat and N5000.
These are what you give when you deceive the elders. My people, have I omitted
anything?"
"No oooo!" everyone echoed from both families.
"Very well then," he continued. "You are free
to go with your wife, but don't fail to bring us back here on Friday next
week," Chief Afai concluded.
My people, that was it.
Everybody dey do prank ooo, e reach my turn, dem turn ahm to
wetin I no know.
Small prank wey I do, dem don gimme list.
God help me.
If I ever do prank for this life again, make I bend.
STORY CREDITS:
CHIEF OLUSOJI JACOBS (Lagos, Nigeria)
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