APRIL FOOLS DAY EDITION: PRANK WENT WRONG

 

April Fools' Day or All Fools' Day is an annual custom on April 1st consisting of practical jokes and hoaxes. Jokesters often expose their actions by shouting "April Fool!" at the recipient. Mass media can be involved with these pranks, which may be revealed as such afterwards. The custom of setting aside a day for playing harmless pranks upon one's neighbour has been relatively common in the world historically.

Caution must however be applied in playing pranks. The mood or mindset of the recipient must be considered as well as the severity of the prank.

In some situations, the prank went wrong and difficult situations have arisen.

I read the story of a man who almost ruined his marriage all in the name of a prank.

 

This is his story:

PRANK WENT WRONG

One way of spicing up our relationship is by playing at least once in a week.

My wife loves rough play. Since I was often at the receiving end with so much pain, I decided to take the play to another level by pranking my wife.

So on Sunday evening, my wife was using my phone to watch movie.

There is this old Sim card I have not been using, but I do recharge it once in a while to keep it valid.

 

I picked the SIM card and my small phone.

"Babe, let me use the toilet. I'll be back. No finish my battery ooo," I told her.

In the toilet, I slot in the Sim card and wrote the following message: "Honey! Dis pregnancy is becoming obvious. People are beginning to suspect it. Pls come and do small thing from the list you collected so I can go out anytime I want without fear of getting stigmatized that I got pregnant out of wedlock. My gas has finished, pls come and refill it for me tomorrow. We love you."

I then sent the message to my phone that my wife was using.

 

Few minutes later, I came out from the toilet fully prepared with the lines I was going to use in responding to any form of attack from my wife - be it verbal or physical.

 

But to my greatest surprise, so unlike her, my wife did not react. Not even from her facial expression.

I tried to get words from her, but she was very calm.

"You know I love you so much and no one will ever get in between us," I teased her.

"I know. I love you too. Thanks for staying true to our marital vows," she responded with a hug.

E shock me!

'Maybe the message didn't enter, or it entered but she didn't see,' I thought.

To satisfy my doubt, I decided to check the phone.

"Are you done with the phone? I want to make a call," I said.

"I'm not done, but you can have it. Let me bring food from the kitchen, before I'm back, you should be done. The movie is very interesting." She handed me the phone.

 

I quickly ran to the message app and discovered that the message was read.

'Then why did she not react?' I wondered. A moment later, she brought the food with smiles all over her face. "Darling! Dinner is served."

I was afraid to eat because we had rat poison in the house. 'What if the food is poisoned? No! You must not eat,' I assured myself.

"Babe. I'm having stomach ache. My stool is watery. I don't think I will be able to take anything."

"Eyaaaaaah! So in that case I am permitted to eat your meat, right?"

"Yes dear! Go ahead please." My goat meat and white soup. Chai! E really pain me.

I watched as she did justice to the food but did not die. Maybe she took antidote, but I refused to be tempted to join her. I kept waiting for her to ask me about the message so that the aim of the prank could be achieved, but she did not. I became afraid of my own shadow, but as a man, I carried on as if nothing was wrong.

 

For days, my wife did not mention the issue, neither did she act otherwise.

I was avoiding eating with her. Instead, I preferred eating with my son.

So the next morning, she showed me the dress she bought for her mother and told me she had to deliver the dress in person. She left for the village thiat morning with my son.

In the afternoon, I got a call from my father in-law asking me to come to the house.

I did not know what the problem was, because my wife was still very friendly even on the phone.

 

So the following afternoon, I honored my father in-law's call.

I got there in the company of my friend - Stephen. Stephen had been a very good family friend.

After telling him all that transpired, he could not hold himself from laughing out loud.

 

We got to my wife's place, but the regular rousing welcome was reduced. I handed my father in-law the drink we bought for him, but he asked me to drop it on the table instead.

"Grandpa is not happy with you," my son tipped me. I smiled sheepishly.

"The boy is right. My kinsmen will soon be here, please exercise patience," my father in-law assured.

I turned to Stephen and we made eye contact.

 

"Sir," I began, "I am lost here. Is there something I have done? I think we can sort it out as a family before inviting your kinsmen. After all, you once told me that a secret of the household must first be made known to the head of the house'. Can we talk about this please?"

My father in-law was about to respond when the first chief entered.

 

Within 5 minutes, about 13 of his kinsmen arrived.

"Our in-law! Our in-law! Our in-law", they greeted me one after the other. Their houses are not far from my wife's place, Same street, but extended compounds.

 

Before I could fathom what was going on, the meeting had begun, and after the normal traditional greetings, my wife was called in.

 

"Our in-law!"  began one of the elders. "Our daughter here, who is also your wife, brought a report to us yesterday. It is not a very good report. It is a bad report. I will like us to hear from the horse' mouth. Our daughter, please tell your fathers and your husband here what you told us yesterday."

 

"My fathers I greet ooo!" my wife began. "Last week Sunday, evening, I was using my husband's phone to watch film. While I was watching, a message came into the phone from a strange number. I read the message and I was heartbroken. The message came from a woman. The woman is pregnant for my husband. And to ground it all, my husband has already gone for her introduction. He has collected the list and has done one or two things from the list. It is just a matter of time before he sends me parking back to my father's house."

"Okokobioko!", one of the elders exclaimed.

"So instead of being sent parking, I decided to come back on my own. Nobody will disgrace me. That is why I said you people should call him to come and take back the bride price."

"You are the true daughter of Asimba family," one of the elders praised her. "The daughter of a lion. No son or daughter of Asimba family has ever been disgraced. Is there any?"

"No oooo!" all of them echoed.

"My in-laws", I stood up to defend myself.

"Sssshhhhhhhhh", another chief shut me down. "You will have the floor. Don't rush. Asimba family members are not interrupted while talking in a gathering like this. If you do it again, you will be fined heavily as the custom demands. Asimba, have I spoken well?"

"Yes ooo! You have spoken well."

I sat down shocked and surprised.

"Our daughter," the first elder continued, "You said bride price should be returned. Please remove the trumpet and speak plainly. Are you no longer interested in your marriage to this young man?"

"I am not interested anymore. Let him take the bride price and go to his new pregnant wife," my wife responded.  "Very well then. We have heard from the horse's mouth. Our daughter is no longer interested in the marriage. She wants the bride price returned because her husband has another wife somewhere and she doesn't want to have a co-wife. As tradition demands, our in-law must bring his people. I called him our in-law because he is still our in-law for now. Our in-law will bring his people because he did not come alone to pay the bride price. People accompanied him; his parents and other family members. So he must bring his parents back here so that we can make a refund of the bride price, then we can talk about how to take care of the son. Asimba have I spoken well?"

"Yes oooo! You have spoken well," they all echoed again.

I raised up my hand so I could be given the chance to speak.

An elder, who happened to be their family head, stood up and began: "Our in-law, keep down your hand, you will speak when it is time. That you are not speaking for now is because we have all seen what your new wife sent to you. Your wife is a very smart woman. She took photo of the thing and brought it here. We have seen and have believed, unless you will show us that your wife is lying. As the family head of Asimba family, this is my decision: You will go and bring your people here tomorrow or any day that favors you. Let us know when you are coming. It is only then you will defend yourself in the presence of your people and your in-laws. You cannot sit here and address us all just like that. This matter is bigger than you. However, I am not in support of returning of bride price. We will see if there is a way we can save this marriage. That will be all for now."

 

As soon as he finished speaking, the meeting was dismissed.

Meanwhile, I have reported the whole thing to my people.

We would return there the following day.

 

My mata don tie gele.

Who even send me sef. Now my wife no pick my calls again.

 

To start with, my people were not happy with the situation. Some of them scolded me for playing such an expensive prank on my wife. Some were angry with my wife for taking the matter to her people without first confronting me. Some were neutral, while some laughed over it.

 

At last, we made it to my wife's place.

Messages were sent across and within few minutes, my in-laws were complete.

 

The meeting began.

One of them stood up to address us. "Our in-laws, you're welcome to our house. Your house of course, because the day you married our daughter, we became one..."

"We are not one", one of the elders interrupted with so much anger in him. "We can never be one. They are our slaves. When our fathers fought the tribal war, we conquered them and made them work for us as slaves. That we gave them our daughter in marriage does not make our houses their houses. Chief Okor, sit down if you don't know what to say. A slave and the master can never share the same table. They are slaves, place them where they belong."

That did not go down well with my people.  There is a man in our family whose name is Cheif Afai (Violence). He is in his 80s but very agile. True to his name, he is known for his violent attitude.

He jumped up from his seat and angrily refuted the man's claim.  "Eesssssh! Shut up. Stop that nonsense. Is this why you sent for us? What gave you the right to talk when men are talking. Are you a man? What makes you a man? Do you think any man will ever come under your roof to marry your daughter? Impotent like you. I have given out 15 daughters in marriage. 15 of my own daughters produced from this my penis. Can you point your finger to a child of yours? Do you even have one? What makes you a master and me a slave when you can't boast of a single child of your own? You are here crying more than the bereaved. Don't force words from my mouth. Ah! Ah! Instead of listening to your in-law’s side of the story, you summoned us here to spit on our faces by calling us slaves. Can't husband and wife play in their respective homes? If you had cultured your daughter so well, she would have known that a man can marry as many wives as he wants. I have 6 wives and 26 children and none of my wives has disgraced me like this. This is nonsense. Chai! Chief Afai Akpan Udo Ekpo Anan Udo Isong Umoren, you have really been disgraced."

 

See casting on top my small prank.

"Chief Afai, please calm down. Sit down please. We didn't come here for war," one of my kinsmen adviced.

"Don't you tell me to sit down. If it is war they want, I will give it to them. A barren woman should not speak about someone's child in the council of men who own many children. He should withdraw the statement and apologize for calling us slaves."

The pandemonium lingered until that man was prevailed on to withdraw the statement. He did and also apologized for calling us slaves.

 

No be small matter ooo.

 

Finally, peace was restored and the meeting continued.

"Like I said earlier," Chief Okor continued, "we are one. Our house is your house. Our daughter is your daughter and your son is our son too. We sent for you because our daughter brought a report to us concerning your son. According to her, your son has acquired a marriage list from another family, and the woman in question is pregnant for your son. So our daughter returned home and told us she will no longer marry your son because she does not want to have a co-wife. She said we should refund her bride price,  that is why we sent for you. My people, have I spoken well?"

 

"Yes! You have spoken well," my wife's kinsmen echoed.

"Our in-laws," Chief Afai continued, "I won't be afraid to say that you all did wrong for not allowing our son to say something when you sent for him yesterday. You should have listened to him first. If you had done that, I tell you there would have been no need gathering here today. This is uncalled for, as far as I'm concern. My son will speak for himself, and after that, we will know what to do."

 

I stood up and painstakingly explained what really happened. I showed them the Sim and the message I sent. I explained to them that I was pranking my wife, that I was waiting for her to ask me about the message, but instead of asking me, she decided to go home and report to them.

Convinced by my explanation, my wife and her people were very surprised and ashamed.

 

"Oh my God!" my father in-law exclaimed. "Children of nowadays will not kill us. What a wasted effort!"

"That was why I said you people should have listened to the young man in the first place. If you had done that, we wouldn't be here. However, now that we are here, what should be done should be done," Chief Afai submitted.

 

After few people had spoken, my wife was called to confirm if she was still interested in the union.

"My fathers," she began, "my in-laws, I know you all are angry with me right now. You are right to be angry. However, before I'm castigated, just know that no woman can stand the sight of knowing that her husband had collected a marriage list from another family whose daughter is already pregnant. I did what I thought was right. I allowed emotions got a better part of me. Now I have seen I should have confronted my husband before coming here. For that, I am deeply sorry. If there is any way I can undo this deed, I will. As for my husband, I never stopped loving him even for one second. He is still my husband and I am still his wife. Once again, I am deeply sorry."

Everyone turned to me as if they wanted to hear me say I was no longer interested in the marriage.

Who sai!

"Fathers, to be honest, I didn't bargain for this. I didn't want it to end this way. It was just a husband and wife play. I had no idea what my wife was planning to do. I'm very sorry for the stress this has caused you. Permit me here to take my wife back, I am grateful. My in laws, I'm sorry for stressing you. I promise you, something of this nature will never happen again. I love my wife and will never plan of taking another wife. Thank you for your understanding...."

 

"Ehhhmmmm! Young man sit down," Chief Afai interrupted me. "We didn't accompany you to come and take your wife home. We honored the summon our in-laws gave us over the stupid and insensitive behavior you and your wife displayed. In our days, that is when we were young, there was nothing like pranks. If you ever want to marry another wife, be a man and talk to your wife, not cutting through the corners. You are the head of the house. You children of nowadays, you carry this church issue on your head, you don't want to marry many wives because your Bible forbids it. That is why I like my tradition. And I keep telling people to come and practice this tradition that our forefathers practiced. It will make you live long. Look at me, over 80 and still strong. Who amongst us here is up to 80? Anyone? No, you want to go to church. That is why, if anybody wants peace with me, I give the person peace. If the person wants war, I give him war both physically and spiritually."

 

He paused, stared at the man that called us slaves and continued.

"Well, I don't want to talk much so that I won't get angry. For bringing us here over a nonsense prank, you both have a fine to pay as tradition demands. Since it started here, we will respect our father in-law by returning to this same place next week Friday to end it. Both you and your wife will join hands together and bring the following items: 5 tubers of yam, 1 bottle of Kai Kai, 1 bottle of assorted hot drink, 10 litters of palm wine, 1 carton of bear, 1 bottle of snuff, 1 pod of cola, 1 big she-goat and N5000. These are what you give when you deceive the elders. My people, have I omitted anything?"

 

"No oooo!" everyone echoed from both families.

"Very well then," he continued. "You are free to go with your wife, but don't fail to bring us back here on Friday next week," Chief Afai concluded.

My people, that was it.

 

Everybody dey do prank ooo, e reach my turn, dem turn ahm to wetin I no know.

 

Small prank wey I do, dem don gimme list.

 

God help me.

If I ever do prank for this life again, make I bend.

 

STORY CREDITS:

CHIEF OLUSOJI JACOBS (Lagos, Nigeria)